Seasons

12-17-13  So my thoughts are about how life is full of changes; like the seasons they have periods of time that they last and then go into hibernation and then bloom and grow! 
My season of being single seemed like it would be one of never ending winter (like in Narnia) when I was in it.  Of course in it were highs and lows, it wasn't totally dreary and lifeless.  I grew so much and learned so much about myself, others, life, etc.  It was a long season and sometimes I still wonder why it took so long to walk through; the worst thing I do is start to look around and compare my season to what looks like someone else's season.  Why does she get flowers now and I have 6 feet of snow?  Why can't I sunbathe today instead of wearing seven layers to keep warm? 
Why did I have to wait until I was 36 to FINALLY end my singleness season?  Why didn't I get to marry my high school love? - Oh wait, maybe because I didn't have one and maybe because I travelled and explored the world, found myself and so many crazy friends, adventure was calling.  Sure, I was lonely for someone to snunggle and kiss and hold me but I was never alone.  I always had a great community around me and had people to pray with and encourage and be encouraged by...

God's Hand

12-30-13  So many thoughts and memories are swarming my head right now.  I wanted to write some out.
My Aunt said that my mom is the best gift her parents ever gave her.
It is amazing how God knew what we all needed and when.
I have a husband that is able to hold me and feed me and just let me be me during this time and he understands because he has also been through this loss.
My mother was able to go dress shopping with me and attend my wedding and spend time with my hubby and know that he is amazing and will take good care of her baby girl.
I got to share all the fun details of our European adventure and give my mommy a gift from the Vatican.
And hear her recall stories of their time in Germany and Italy.
God led my aunt to reach out to a family in need and let them live with her, so she is not totally alone during her loss.
I was able to see my mommy a few times and help her go through some things that were important to her the days before she went into the hospital.
I was right down the road when my daddy called the ambulance and could get there to drive him to the ER.
I am overwhelmed by the kickass friends and family that we are surrounded by.  They are all right there praying and walking by us through everything.  Dropping their lives and needs to come and comfort and help in anyway possible.
God had Nikki come from California to provide the bubbliness that my sister and I usually do but just can't right now.
It is like Mom not only planned it all out but she was in cahoots with the Big Guy and bringing her list she said hey remember this and that and there is this and that and He looked at her and said, "Yea Jan I got this."
And He does got this...each one of us in His hands and heart and He is meeting every need we have abundantly so.  In our aching loss He is so near it is a comforting peace.
There is a song that sums up God's nearness, "Every tear I cry, you hold in your hands..."
Praise You In This Storm

from Lifesong 

I was sure by now
That You would have reached down
And wiped our tears away, stepped in and saved the day
But once again, I say, Amen and it's still raining

As the thunder rolls
I barely hear Your whisper through the rain, "I'm with you"
And as Your mercy falls I raise my hands
And praise the God who gives and takes away

And I'll praise You in this storm and I will lift my hands
For You are who You are no matter where I am
And every tear I've cried You hold in Your hand
You never left my side and though my heart is torn
I will praise You in this storm

I remember when I stumbled in the wind
You heard my cry, You raised me up again
But my strength is almost gone
How can I carry on if I can't find You

As the thunder rolls
I barely hear Your whisper through the rain, "I'm with you"
And as You mercy falls I raise my hands
And praise the God who gives and takes away

And I'll praise You in this storm and I will lift my hands
For You are who You are no matter where I am
And every tear I've cried You hold in Your hand
You never left my side and though my heart is torn
I will praise You in this storm

I lift my eyes unto the hills
Where does my help come from?
My help comes from the Lord
The Maker of Heaven and Earth

I lift my eyes unto the hills
Where does my help come from?
My help comes from the Lord
The Maker of Heaven and Earth

And I'll praise You in this storm and I will lift my hands
For You are who You are no matter where I am
And every tear I've cried You hold in Your hand
You never left my side and though my heart is torn
I will praise You in this storm
And though my heart is torn
I will praise You in this storm

Paris

Being loved

I am thinking back to before I got married and all the whirlwind of emotions and adventures leading up to that amazing life changing day...
I had four showers and it was so surreal being THE BRIDE at them this time.  Each one had a different flavor but all were so amazing.  My friends, family, and co-workers all gathered to celebrate with me!
I got to be the one being dressed in tissue paper, and trying to answer questions about my husband-to-be, and opening lots of fun gifts!
Then there was the bachelorette dance party where my friends helped me pick songs for the reception and gave me great marital advice.

I didn't know how to cut the guest list and I am glad I didn't have to, it was so wonderful and almost overwhelming to have people that have been there throughout my life there on my big day to share in my excitement.

The evening that Earl brought me 3 long stemmed roses and a card for my birthday and we talked in his car until late; I saw him catch a glimpse of how lovely I am and the way God sees me, I like to say that he saw my glow.

The day we were snuggling and I burst into tears; 

"I never knew this is how it felt to be treasured."

Earl just held me and said, "I am sorry you have never felt treasured."  

I melted.

Overwhelmed

How do I put my swirling thoughts into words?
I feel overwhelmed by so many people to see and care and pray for and so many things to do and just not enough time to spread me around!
How do you choose?
I could choose a life of solitude and only work on my health and my marriage and my random scattered project ideas....but I would feel isolated and lonely after a time and I would have burned all my bridges with people by kinda pushing them out for a season and then can't expect them to just jump right back in eagerly.
I could choose a life of helping and serving and loving and compassion and giving....but then I would get burnt out and exhausted and need me time and possibly wreck my marriage and health in the process.
Maybe I need God direction for this new season?

Words of wisdom

Words from a wise man:

Just thought of this motto:  Never put off to tomorrow, what you could have done yesterday. 

The thinking here is that here you are sitting, thinking about whether to start your plan today or tomorrow.  What you should be thinking is that you are in tomorrow and thinking about what you did yesterday, and how proud you are of yourself. 

Just a thought.

:)

My heart

This girl is so close to my heart, she is a huge part of what has made me who I am today.  So many crazy, fun memories from before she was born to the young woman she is now.  I am so blessed to be a part of her life.  I LOVE being crazy Aunt Becky :)

My Niece

When she was still in my sister's tummy, she would kick and roll like crazy when she heard my voice; that was fun to watch! (I always knew I was the favorite! )
When she was a baby I got to watch her and make her giggle.  I have seen many episodes of Barney with that lil booty dancing in front of the TV to his songs.  (Mine may have shaken a time or two with hers also).
Hanging upside down from the coffee table, swinging high on the playset, oreo drool, dragging her Elmo doll around, the monster chair at grandma's, races, cheesy grins, Odyssey One and Dollar Store trips together, playdates... 
She was the subject of my pix for my high school photography class.
I'm not sure who cried more when I left for Africa...She had "jetlag" and cereal at 2am with me when I returned from Africa. 
She made me a Valentine in school, so precious. 
I moved to China not knowing when I would be back - that broke my heart.  I got some awesome packages, letters, pictures and emails while I was there.  I bragged about "my kiddo" to everyone there.
I am giggling and have tears in my eyes just from writing this.
Then this little girl somehow turned into a teenager, but still liked having me around so I let it happen.
Then she grew taller than me - not a huge feat, but a milestone none the less. 
There were shopping trips and dresses and dances and boys and friends and birthdays and the day she outgrew the Dollar Store. 
At her high school graduation I had flashbacks of her preschool graduation; how had that much time flown by?!  This young lady was strutting the stage and getting her hard-earned diploma. 
Smart and beautiful, kind and fun, full of adventure. 
Very witty, she would have to explain some jokes to me.
She was into makeup and super good at it, so good I had her do mine a few times. 
Then she turned in her sippy cup for a beer mug!  Oh my, really?  My baby niece was an ADULT! 
Not long after this occured, I got engaged.  I always knew that when she outgrew being my flower girl I wanted this amazing girl to be my Maid of Honor.  So I asked and she was very willing to take up this role in my life.  She threw me a wonderful and fun bachelorette party - it was so me! 
And she stood by my side as I finally got my dream of being a wife!  And she made the most amazing and sweet toast at the reception.  Oh this little lady is my favorite for sure!
Here's to you meeting your someday to be cousins and being the "Aunty" to them.  I know they will look up to you and admire the woman you are becoming and already are. 
You fill my life with joy and my heart bursts with love and pride for you.  I love you Princess. 
     




      

Call me granny

Techie Trials

Computers and internet.

Bah - I get so frustrated and angry when I can't get them to do what I want, when I want.

They are tools for me to use to make life easier...right?
Sometimes I want to revert back to a good old pen and paper; then I remember writing cramps, all the scribbled out words and thoughts, and white out and pen marks on the side of your hand...

On the other hand, I love how you can erase or rewrite a thought and even rearrange things so cleanly on a computer.  Oh and I am a pretty good at grammar and spelling but spell check is a nice little handy dandy tool.  Those red and green squiggle lines are wonderful! 

All this is grand, however, waiting for the internet to move or connect and the constant error messages...not a fan. 

Hats off to techies...I love knowing you so that I can always have someone to go to when I am totally lost and I love, love, love the quick shortcut tricks you never cease to teach me along the way! 

The people who love to dink around and figure out how a program works and can take the time to make everything look awesome are super smart in my eyes, I bow to them.  My hubby is one of them, and he enjoys it.  And my friend who made this cool banner for my blog too!  My Boss can find her way around any program with ease…Oh yea and of course my niece and sister are always helping me learn cool things about my phone!  Sometimes I feel like it is smarter than I am!  It is fun to have the internet at your fingertips to look up things like: who sang that song, or how far away is this city, or to find a fact and prove that you were right in an argument, or my favorite - GPS! 

Oh what an awesome friend for someone who thinks north is always in front of her!  Ha-ha I am so directionless, getting better but GPS has definitely helped me out so many times!  I used to get knots in my stomach when I was driving somewhere new because I would get nervous that I would make a wrong turn or miss something and get totally lost.  I was known to stop not only once at a gas station for directions but I would stop at another to double check that I had it correct.  But now with GPS I can just type it in and follow with ease and not worry if I couldn’t get to my turn across 4 lanes of traffic I would just head over that direction and wait for her to redirect me.  She is so calm when I miss my turn she just reconfigures and finds the next best way to get there, even if it is making a U-turn.  Whoever invented GPS is brilliant! 

As they sing in Napoleon Dynamite, "Yes, I love technology....always and forever." 

 

Waiting...

It was the hardest season of my life to wait for my dream of being a wife to be fulfilled.  Here is an excerpt of my heart’s cry, a conversation between a good friend and myself during this stage:

(My friend had just posted about the joys and struggles of being a wife and mother and the blessings found each day)

Beckster Bu January 2

I just read your note and it touched me. I was reminded to appreciate what God puts in our life in the season we are in. I remember being prompted to call you one night and tell you that God had someone amazing for you and that he would love you AND your son; wow - never knew what amazing things would turn out from that, God is faithful.
I don't want to put any burden on you but felt I could share my heart with you...here goes:
I am in tears as I write this. How is it that I have such encouragement and faith for others but when it comes to me I feel a hesitance. The deepest desire of my heart since preschool has been to be a mother, and yet here I am at 35 trying desperately to believe this is still a promise that God wants to fulfill. I have nannied and led youth camps, and sure all of those are my kids in a way - like the verse "...barren woman will have many children.." But I desire to have a kid growing in my belly and a man to stand beside me and help me raise that child. It is so hard to believe God is good and faithful TO ME...so silly because my head knows He is and can tell myself of all the things He has done and look around at all the friends I have and know I am blessed. But I feel robbed almost, so confused, torn, conflicted, hurt, fear...you name it. Millions of questions and doubt roam my head and heart...bottom line - WHY can't I just be content and why can't I just let God love me and let that be enough?!
Thanks for listening my friend, I think I just needed to vent, to cry out yet again.

A good friend January 3

hey Beck.
I could have written that myself a few years ago.
I was always meeting either the wrong guys, or men who were going for God with a singular focus, and not available, or the least bit interested in someone like me. (The only ones who were interested in me were the other kind!)
I know what you're talking about, Beck: that throbbing heart that comes from a hope deferred. You almost don't want to have hope anymore, for all the pain that comes with it, but then the book keeps encouraging, "blessed is the man who's hope is in the lord- he will not be put to shame."
What do you do?
When my first kiddo came along, I felt like his birth was the death of so many of my dreams. I had been sure that God was prepping me to live in the third world. I desired it so much- I was just sure it was from God. then I had this baby, and I realized it would be the most irresponsible and preposterous thing I could do to go into the guerilla warfare fighting, rotting, starving, dirty third world by myself, dragging little guy around with me. I spent many days trying to kill the desire in myself- it was for the good of everyone. It wasn't healthy, and must not be from God (anymore, I thought).
"but why not?" my friend asked.
"Well, it couldn't really work..." I said.
"Why not?" he asked again.
"How will I get there? How can I do anything for anyone else when I have this full time job of taking care of my kid? and who's gonna protect us?"
"who was gonna protect you in the first place?" he asked.
"well... God. and a very capable husband."
"aahhh."
He dropped it right there. He could see it on my face that what I’d realized: my God had been too small. It really was possible. I began imagining myself: a pioneering mama, and brave little guy, crouching outside a hut, cooking over a fire, and telling stories with local friends.
My friend had another bit of advice for me that night. I was actually in tears, telling him how no one was ever going to want us. How lonely I was, and how sad I was for my little guy- that because of my selfish choices he had been brought into the world to live his life without a daddy.
Here’s what my friend said:
"Do you want to know how to find God's man for you? I’ll tell you. Don’t make yourself available. You have to make yourself impossible to be gotten. THEN if a man DOES land smack in the middle of your life, you can know that the only way he could have gotten there is supernaturally.... by means of your supernaturally loving father."
It clicked.
Before I heard this, Beck, I’d been trying to find a way out of hope, because it was painful. Now, as an act of hope and faith, I put my blinders on to men. I wouldn't look. I wouldn't dream. I wouldn't desire. I wouldn't allow. Men were only brothers, or His lost ones to me. It was my act of faith to shut it all down inside me... everything in me that wanted to help God out.
I stepped out and told God, and everyone I knew that I was expecting to die a single mother of one, and that I was completely happy with that... and here is the strangest thing... after telling a few people that, I realized I WAS.
I grew to love our life. I made every effort (not always successfully to be honest!) to keep men on the outside, and I expected entirely to work hard, and serve the people around me, and I’d try to save up to go overseas, and one day, God would probably get my lil guy and I there- even though I still couldn't see how he'd do it.
It wasn't as easy as it's sounding, Beck. I’m not kidding. I’m pretty sure I had nervous breakdowns. I was on an antidepressant, and I was pretty much a mess, more often than not... but I kept on. it was a couple of years before God brought my husband.... smack into the middle of our lives, in such an unlikely way, I could never have seen him coming.
So I don't know if this is the answer for you, Beck. I don't know if any of this will even help you at all... but I do know that there is a verse in the NT that talks about the days getting short, and how, "those who are married should live as though they are not." so that verse is a continual challenge to me, because once you are married, you can easily get sucked into the massive job of homemaking... (I do know that there are seasons in family life when the children need you to stay home, and do nothing else- I’m in one right now!) but there's also a spirit of competition among women to take the best care of their kids, and their husband, and have the swankiest house, and the most chocked-full family life... and it's the air that we breathe in this society... and it sucks you in by way of your good intentions, and takes your eyes completely off of the real Goal: the Lord and the people outside of our four walls.
My encouragement for you, Beck, as you wait for God to fulfill his promise to you, is to throw yourself into the work that he's given you, with the ultimate goal being his dreams for you... and those will be for his glory.
You’ve known that he wants you to work with kids (and I’ve long admired how incredibly gifted you are with kids). What’s the next step? Or can you see any big milestone way down the road that you might start steering towards? Could you begin heading up your own outreaches to kids? Foster parenting? Block parties, in America or overseas? Can you live on that hope for a while, along with that of being swept away in the day by day romance of the lover of your soul?
These are just my thoughts, Beck. I hope I’m not presumptuous here. Feel free to toss anything that doesn't ring true to you.
Writing this makes me miss you. I was trying to tell my mom about your heart, and how incredibly spirited you are. We’ve had some of the best times, just doing nothing at all! I’m praying for your storm-tossed soul.
love love love, a good friend

Beckster Bu January 4

Thank you my dear friend. You spoke life and hope back into my soul. I will re-read this many, many times. I love you my friend. It’s funny, I just knew you would get me and my "storm tossed soul." Such a poetic way to put how I ache n feel. :)

The Process

I have heard it said that the process is as important as the goal.
You learn and grow all thoughout your journey, whether you end up at your end goal or a surprisingly different and possibly better one in the end, the process was important to get there.
Some processes seem unending and super frustrating and it is hard to step back and see the big picture because you can't seem to find your goal or reach it in the midst of it but this too is part of the ups and downs.  Sometimes you feel your hopes and dreams get crushed in the midst of this process.  But we find strength in picking up the pieces and even learn to laugh at some of the things that got us there.

It wasn't me. I've been framed! :(