It was the hardest season of my life to wait for my dream of being a wife to be fulfilled. Here is an excerpt of my heart’s cry, a conversation between a good friend and myself during this stage:
(My friend had just posted about the joys and struggles of being a wife and mother and the blessings found each day)
Beckster Bu January 2
I just read your note and it touched me. I was reminded to appreciate what God puts in our life in the season we are in. I remember being prompted to call you one night and tell you that God had someone amazing for you and that he would love you AND your son; wow - never knew what amazing things would turn out from that, God is faithful.
I don't want to put any burden on you but felt I could share my heart with you...here goes:
I am in tears as I write this. How is it that I have such encouragement and faith for others but when it comes to me I feel a hesitance. The deepest desire of my heart since preschool has been to be a mother, and yet here I am at 35 trying desperately to believe this is still a promise that God wants to fulfill. I have nannied and led youth camps, and sure all of those are my kids in a way - like the verse "...barren woman will have many children.." But I desire to have a kid growing in my belly and a man to stand beside me and help me raise that child. It is so hard to believe God is good and faithful TO ME...so silly because my head knows He is and can tell myself of all the things He has done and look around at all the friends I have and know I am blessed. But I feel robbed almost, so confused, torn, conflicted, hurt, fear...you name it. Millions of questions and doubt roam my head and heart...bottom line - WHY can't I just be content and why can't I just let God love me and let that be enough?!
Thanks for listening my friend, I think I just needed to vent, to cry out yet again.
I don't want to put any burden on you but felt I could share my heart with you...here goes:
I am in tears as I write this. How is it that I have such encouragement and faith for others but when it comes to me I feel a hesitance. The deepest desire of my heart since preschool has been to be a mother, and yet here I am at 35 trying desperately to believe this is still a promise that God wants to fulfill. I have nannied and led youth camps, and sure all of those are my kids in a way - like the verse "...barren woman will have many children.." But I desire to have a kid growing in my belly and a man to stand beside me and help me raise that child. It is so hard to believe God is good and faithful TO ME...so silly because my head knows He is and can tell myself of all the things He has done and look around at all the friends I have and know I am blessed. But I feel robbed almost, so confused, torn, conflicted, hurt, fear...you name it. Millions of questions and doubt roam my head and heart...bottom line - WHY can't I just be content and why can't I just let God love me and let that be enough?!
Thanks for listening my friend, I think I just needed to vent, to cry out yet again.
A good friend January 3
hey Beck.
I could have written that myself a few years ago.
I was always meeting either the wrong guys, or men who were going for God with a singular focus, and not available, or the least bit interested in someone like me. (The only ones who were interested in me were the other kind!)
I know what you're talking about, Beck: that throbbing heart that comes from a hope deferred. You almost don't want to have hope anymore, for all the pain that comes with it, but then the book keeps encouraging, "blessed is the man who's hope is in the lord- he will not be put to shame."
What do you do?
When my first kiddo came along, I felt like his birth was the death of so many of my dreams. I had been sure that God was prepping me to live in the third world. I desired it so much- I was just sure it was from God. then I had this baby, and I realized it would be the most irresponsible and preposterous thing I could do to go into the guerilla warfare fighting, rotting, starving, dirty third world by myself, dragging little guy around with me. I spent many days trying to kill the desire in myself- it was for the good of everyone. It wasn't healthy, and must not be from God (anymore, I thought).
"but why not?" my friend asked.
"Well, it couldn't really work..." I said.
"Why not?" he asked again.
"How will I get there? How can I do anything for anyone else when I have this full time job of taking care of my kid? and who's gonna protect us?"
"who was gonna protect you in the first place?" he asked.
"well... God. and a very capable husband."
"aahhh."
He dropped it right there. He could see it on my face that what I’d realized: my God had been too small. It really was possible. I began imagining myself: a pioneering mama, and brave little guy, crouching outside a hut, cooking over a fire, and telling stories with local friends.
My friend had another bit of advice for me that night. I was actually in tears, telling him how no one was ever going to want us. How lonely I was, and how sad I was for my little guy- that because of my selfish choices he had been brought into the world to live his life without a daddy.
Here’s what my friend said:
"Do you want to know how to find God's man for you? I’ll tell you. Don’t make yourself available. You have to make yourself impossible to be gotten. THEN if a man DOES land smack in the middle of your life, you can know that the only way he could have gotten there is supernaturally.... by means of your supernaturally loving father."
It clicked.
Before I heard this, Beck, I’d been trying to find a way out of hope, because it was painful. Now, as an act of hope and faith, I put my blinders on to men. I wouldn't look. I wouldn't dream. I wouldn't desire. I wouldn't allow. Men were only brothers, or His lost ones to me. It was my act of faith to shut it all down inside me... everything in me that wanted to help God out.
I stepped out and told God, and everyone I knew that I was expecting to die a single mother of one, and that I was completely happy with that... and here is the strangest thing... after telling a few people that, I realized I WAS.
I grew to love our life. I made every effort (not always successfully to be honest!) to keep men on the outside, and I expected entirely to work hard, and serve the people around me, and I’d try to save up to go overseas, and one day, God would probably get my lil guy and I there- even though I still couldn't see how he'd do it.
It wasn't as easy as it's sounding, Beck. I’m not kidding. I’m pretty sure I had nervous breakdowns. I was on an antidepressant, and I was pretty much a mess, more often than not... but I kept on. it was a couple of years before God brought my husband.... smack into the middle of our lives, in such an unlikely way, I could never have seen him coming.
So I don't know if this is the answer for you, Beck. I don't know if any of this will even help you at all... but I do know that there is a verse in the NT that talks about the days getting short, and how, "those who are married should live as though they are not." so that verse is a continual challenge to me, because once you are married, you can easily get sucked into the massive job of homemaking... (I do know that there are seasons in family life when the children need you to stay home, and do nothing else- I’m in one right now!) but there's also a spirit of competition among women to take the best care of their kids, and their husband, and have the swankiest house, and the most chocked-full family life... and it's the air that we breathe in this society... and it sucks you in by way of your good intentions, and takes your eyes completely off of the real Goal: the Lord and the people outside of our four walls.
My encouragement for you, Beck, as you wait for God to fulfill his promise to you, is to throw yourself into the work that he's given you, with the ultimate goal being his dreams for you... and those will be for his glory.
You’ve known that he wants you to work with kids (and I’ve long admired how incredibly gifted you are with kids). What’s the next step? Or can you see any big milestone way down the road that you might start steering towards? Could you begin heading up your own outreaches to kids? Foster parenting? Block parties, in America or overseas? Can you live on that hope for a while, along with that of being swept away in the day by day romance of the lover of your soul?
These are just my thoughts, Beck. I hope I’m not presumptuous here. Feel free to toss anything that doesn't ring true to you.
Writing this makes me miss you. I was trying to tell my mom about your heart, and how incredibly spirited you are. We’ve had some of the best times, just doing nothing at all! I’m praying for your storm-tossed soul.
love love love, a good friend
I could have written that myself a few years ago.
I was always meeting either the wrong guys, or men who were going for God with a singular focus, and not available, or the least bit interested in someone like me. (The only ones who were interested in me were the other kind!)
I know what you're talking about, Beck: that throbbing heart that comes from a hope deferred. You almost don't want to have hope anymore, for all the pain that comes with it, but then the book keeps encouraging, "blessed is the man who's hope is in the lord- he will not be put to shame."
What do you do?
When my first kiddo came along, I felt like his birth was the death of so many of my dreams. I had been sure that God was prepping me to live in the third world. I desired it so much- I was just sure it was from God. then I had this baby, and I realized it would be the most irresponsible and preposterous thing I could do to go into the guerilla warfare fighting, rotting, starving, dirty third world by myself, dragging little guy around with me. I spent many days trying to kill the desire in myself- it was for the good of everyone. It wasn't healthy, and must not be from God (anymore, I thought).
"but why not?" my friend asked.
"Well, it couldn't really work..." I said.
"Why not?" he asked again.
"How will I get there? How can I do anything for anyone else when I have this full time job of taking care of my kid? and who's gonna protect us?"
"who was gonna protect you in the first place?" he asked.
"well... God. and a very capable husband."
"aahhh."
He dropped it right there. He could see it on my face that what I’d realized: my God had been too small. It really was possible. I began imagining myself: a pioneering mama, and brave little guy, crouching outside a hut, cooking over a fire, and telling stories with local friends.
My friend had another bit of advice for me that night. I was actually in tears, telling him how no one was ever going to want us. How lonely I was, and how sad I was for my little guy- that because of my selfish choices he had been brought into the world to live his life without a daddy.
Here’s what my friend said:
"Do you want to know how to find God's man for you? I’ll tell you. Don’t make yourself available. You have to make yourself impossible to be gotten. THEN if a man DOES land smack in the middle of your life, you can know that the only way he could have gotten there is supernaturally.... by means of your supernaturally loving father."
It clicked.
Before I heard this, Beck, I’d been trying to find a way out of hope, because it was painful. Now, as an act of hope and faith, I put my blinders on to men. I wouldn't look. I wouldn't dream. I wouldn't desire. I wouldn't allow. Men were only brothers, or His lost ones to me. It was my act of faith to shut it all down inside me... everything in me that wanted to help God out.
I stepped out and told God, and everyone I knew that I was expecting to die a single mother of one, and that I was completely happy with that... and here is the strangest thing... after telling a few people that, I realized I WAS.
I grew to love our life. I made every effort (not always successfully to be honest!) to keep men on the outside, and I expected entirely to work hard, and serve the people around me, and I’d try to save up to go overseas, and one day, God would probably get my lil guy and I there- even though I still couldn't see how he'd do it.
It wasn't as easy as it's sounding, Beck. I’m not kidding. I’m pretty sure I had nervous breakdowns. I was on an antidepressant, and I was pretty much a mess, more often than not... but I kept on. it was a couple of years before God brought my husband.... smack into the middle of our lives, in such an unlikely way, I could never have seen him coming.
So I don't know if this is the answer for you, Beck. I don't know if any of this will even help you at all... but I do know that there is a verse in the NT that talks about the days getting short, and how, "those who are married should live as though they are not." so that verse is a continual challenge to me, because once you are married, you can easily get sucked into the massive job of homemaking... (I do know that there are seasons in family life when the children need you to stay home, and do nothing else- I’m in one right now!) but there's also a spirit of competition among women to take the best care of their kids, and their husband, and have the swankiest house, and the most chocked-full family life... and it's the air that we breathe in this society... and it sucks you in by way of your good intentions, and takes your eyes completely off of the real Goal: the Lord and the people outside of our four walls.
My encouragement for you, Beck, as you wait for God to fulfill his promise to you, is to throw yourself into the work that he's given you, with the ultimate goal being his dreams for you... and those will be for his glory.
You’ve known that he wants you to work with kids (and I’ve long admired how incredibly gifted you are with kids). What’s the next step? Or can you see any big milestone way down the road that you might start steering towards? Could you begin heading up your own outreaches to kids? Foster parenting? Block parties, in America or overseas? Can you live on that hope for a while, along with that of being swept away in the day by day romance of the lover of your soul?
These are just my thoughts, Beck. I hope I’m not presumptuous here. Feel free to toss anything that doesn't ring true to you.
Writing this makes me miss you. I was trying to tell my mom about your heart, and how incredibly spirited you are. We’ve had some of the best times, just doing nothing at all! I’m praying for your storm-tossed soul.
love love love, a good friend
Beckster Bu January 4
Thank you my dear friend. You spoke life and hope back into my soul. I will re-read this many, many times. I love you my friend. It’s funny, I just knew you would get me and my "storm tossed soul." Such a poetic way to put how I ache n feel. :)
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